The Admirer
by Wicked Child
Summary: Rx1, ?xR She's slowly fading away and he can only watch from the sidelines with the hope that he can help bring her back because he loves her even if she belongs to someone else.


AN: It is rather long but hopefully well worth it. Pairings: 1+R and R+?  
  
The Admirer  
  
~~~  
I watch from the shadows and slowly die along with her, her warmth and beauty slowly fading into nothing more than memory. Despite the many obstacles she's had to face, she is still seen as the most influential politician on Earth and in Space. To this very day, she is still seen as the symbol of peace and even though her name may have changed from Peacecraft to Dorlian back to Peacecraft then back to Dorlian, many people still see her as the princess of the Sanc kingdom and treat her as such.  
  
The good news is that her life is no longer in any true danger. The assassins have all found new enemies to target and leave my friend alone letting her live in her relative peace. All the assassins have left her alone.  
  
I'll never understand how or why she fell in love with him. Yes he was handsome, yes he was dangerous, yes he was mysterious, and yes he had some sort of obsession with her. But I never could truly decipher his feelings for her. I knew he loved her but I was never quite sure if he was ever in love with her. Sounds so cliché, I know, but loving someone and being in love with someone are two completely separate things. I should know.  
  
As her friend, and a confidante I know the two became intimate. Relena seemed so happy at first as did Heero. But happiness fades into contentment which fades into indifference which fades into bitterness then hatred. Relena's currently at the contentment stage, she's been there for awhile now. Heero on the other hand, is at indifference but now as I watch them silently, I don't think he ever started out as anything but indifferent. I know he feels but he always seems to choose the wrong things to feel about. At least that's my perception.  
  
She calls me constantly and I don't mind. I never did. I never will, no matter what time of night. It's one of the reason's my wife left me. I would always take Relena's call no matter what we were doing. And I do mean no matter what. I liked to pretend that she did it out of jealousy knowing that my wife and I were doing our spouse duties, but I do know better. She just has bad timing.  
  
My wife even accused me of choosing Relena over my children. That I know is untrue as do they. Auntie Lena was not the reason mommy and daddy got divorced. Okay, so that is a lie but they're still too young to understand that Daddy is in love with his best female friend. But I do not choose Relena over my children. My son and my daughter are too precious to let anything or anyone get between us. Maybe that's why they live with me and not their mother.  
  
I sometimes wonder why I'm in love with her. She's definitely a beautiful woman but I have seen and slept with far more beautiful women than Relena. Undoubtedly an intelligent woman but again I have known far more women who were so smart it makes the head spin, including mine. Graceful? Only when the cameras are on, otherwise Relena is rather clumsy. It endears her to me even more.  
  
I smile. I can remember the time she literally dragged me to go dress shopping for some big political ball thingy. I was less than enthused but I am a good friend so I tagged along. At this one particular shop, she walked out of the dressing room in a gown that even now seven years later I still have a hard time in catching my breath. The blue satin brought out the blue of her eyes while making her skin even creamier looking. She twirled around laughing about being a fashion model when she tripped. I easily caught her and gently brought her to the ground as there were no chairs readily available. She held on to me so tightly and our eyes locked. I was prepared to kiss her but I was still married and she was still in her happiness stage.  
  
Even now it amazes me at how long she was able to stay at that stage with a man like that. But I like to think that she would have kissed me back willingly, not out of reaction. I saw something in her eyes that day when I held her. She longed for something and she knew I could give it to her but I think she fears true happiness more than anything else.  
  
We were twenty-eight then and now twenty years have passed since we met during the Eve Wars. She never married and never had any children. I once asked her if she wanted kids. She was holding my then new-born daughter so lovingly I truly nearly forgot that she wasn't the mother. How I wish she were but wishes don't come true, at least not the selfish ones.  
  
But I did ask her and she didn't answer for a time. Then she looked at me with tears in her eyes. I didn't mean for her to become upset but it seems that no matter what I do, bad things happen to people I love. I remember her words exactly.  
  
"Of course I want children. I so desperately want children but he doesn't. He doesn't feel that children are necessary."  
  
"He doesn't think a lot of things are necessary does he?"  
  
I remember Relena shaking her head. "Do you know that we hardly ever make love? Showing emotion through bodily actions isn't necessary." Then I remember the tears slipping down her face. She's so beautiful when she cries but far more beautiful when not.  
  
I could've murdered Heero Yuy right then and there. I have come to terms with my past sins and have no qualms about sinning again if it involves her. Tell me, is it wrong to pretend your wife is your best female friend when having sex-and you know it is just sex-but pretend that you're making love because the fantasy is so real in your head? To my shame, I nearly called out Relena's name while bedding my wife one night. But the fantasy was so real; I could smell her in the room. Then again, I have to remember that I bought my wife the same perfume that Relena always wears that very day. Looking back I realize that my daughter was conceived around that time. Maybe Relena really is the mother of my youngest child.  
  
I asked Heero once if he loved Relena. He responded in his nasal monotone in the affirmative. I then asked him if he was in love with her. He just looked at me and blinked once, then twice and looked down into his coffee mug. He never did answer and I know he never did understand that I was asking for myself. In fact no one knows how deep my feelings for Relena run. Not even me.  
  
~~~  
  
Relena called me last night. It was at 2:14:35 in the morning. Heero had gone off on some mission and it might take awhile so she was wondering if she could stay with me for a bit. I of course agreed. The kids would be thrilled that Auntie Lena would be visiting again.  
  
"Do you think I'll ever be more than just Auntie Lena?" she had asked.  
  
I smile at her. She always makes me smile. Silently I pray that one day she'll be more than just Auntie Lena to my two hellions. Aloud I tell her, "You know, as well as I do, that you will be a mother one day. And we both know that you're going to be an excellent mother when that happens."  
  
She smiled with tears brimming around her eyes. "I would rather be a mama or mommy than a mother."  
  
If I had my way Relena, you would be both.  
  
~~~  
  
She's been here for a month now. I don't think I've ever seen her more happy and I pray that it isn't my imagination. A mutual friend commented to me the other day that Relena seems to light up whenever I enter the room. I balk at the statement. I don't want to get my hopes up.  
  
"I'm not as dense as I look my friend," he tells me. "I know a woman in love when I see one."  
  
"She could never love me. I'm just the friend who wears the shirt she cries on."  
  
"I also know a man in love when I see one."  
  
He then squeezed my shoulder and returned to his own wife who was pregnant with their fourth child. I do wish for more children of my own, her own, our own.  
  
~~~  
  
Two months have passed. Une assured me that Heero was alive and well but that this mission was very sensitive and all encompassing. I nodded in understanding. To my surprise Relena doesn't seem to miss her boyfriend at all. She enjoys spending time with the children, playing everything from GI Joe to Barbie and some inane role playing game recently resurrected from the 20th Century known as Dungeons and Dragons. She enjoys playing the dungeon master and torturing the adventurers. Strange how I always seem to be the biggest bearer of torture. Pacifist my eye!  
  
~~~  
  
Two weeks since my call with Une and Heero will be coming home in two more days. I hide my disappointment. Over dinner that night, the table is very quiet. I in my depression at Heero's eminent return, the children in their shame for earlier shenanigans, and Relena caught in the middle. She's taken on the role of mommy for my kids and lets them go to their room so she and I can talk. I don't know if I want to talk but being the friend that I am, I smile and belie my body language.  
  
"I can't do this anymore," she says to me.  
  
"You can't do what anymore?" I ask.  
  
"I can't keep living this life. I'm so unhappy at home. The house is so large and so quiet. I feel as though it's a tomb, even when Heero's there."  
  
I move to sit next to her and take one of her hands. She looks at me gratefully and for the first time in two and a half months a tear slides down her cheek. It breaks my heart to see it, knowing who caused the pain. In truth I think both Heero and I caused that tear of pain. Him for being such a bastard and me for being simple.  
  
"I'm leaving him. I can't do this anymore. I can't take it. I deserve better than this. I deserve better than him. We never make love anymore; we hardly talk at all or acknowledge the other's presence. I know you've always felt that I could do better but you're such a good friend to him and to me that you didn't and don't say anything."  
  
"That's not true," I tell her. A lie and she knew it. But it made her laugh.  
  
"Yes it is. I think you knew we were headed in this direction but were powerless to prevent it. So you supported us like a good friend should. I'm eternally grateful to you for that. But I'm even more grateful for showing me what I want in life."  
  
"And that is what exactly?" I'm not sure I want to know. The other G-pilots have been hanging around here a lot lately. I think they could sense that she needed love all around her. Part of me is afraid she fell for one of the others, a certain one in fact. Part of me is afraid that she'll say that she wants to get away from all of us because of the memories.  
  
"I want a family. I want children and a husband, and a house filled with laughter and love. I want to stay at home and do nothing but love my husband and children. I even have a fantasy of working in a library part time." She giggles at the thought. But I smile knowing that she would be a wonderful librarian if not a beautiful one.  
  
"I haven't heard you actually giggle in a long time Lena."  
  
"These past two and a half months I don't think I've ever truly laughed so hard and so freely since before coming here. I used to think that Heero was my savior but I now realize that it's you."  
  
I blink. In my warped mind that equals to an 'I love you' in Heero speech. I can't say anything. For once, I don't know what to say.  
  
"I have a favor to ask of you but I'm loath to actually ask."  
  
"Ask please. I don't ever want you to feel caged by formalities."  
  
She smiles again. I want to caress her face so badly but just hold gently onto her hand.  
  
"I want you to go back to Earth with me so I can set my affairs in order. I'm leaving the political arena for good this time. It's time I start living for me."  
  
"Of course I'll accompany you. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't?"  
  
She smiled again. This time a hint of sadness tainted it. "But I also want you there for support. I can't leave him on my own. It sounds so weak and silly but I can't leave Heero without you there with me. Just knowing that you're somewhere around the house when the confrontation happens will give me the strength I need to get through it."  
  
I'm honestly not sure how to interpret this. I've taken to analyzing everything she does and says, trying to see the deeper, supposedly hidden, meaning. Then I mentally kick myself. Don't over analyze.  
  
"I will be there for you whenever you need me. Let me call a sitter for the kids."  
  
We arrive on Earth the next day. Her announcement to retire from politics stuns none of her colleagues. They all wish her well and I'm shocked to realize that their sentiments are indeed sincere. One old grouchy man said that he'd been wondering when she'd wake up and realize that she needed a life of her own. He then hugged her and told her the strangest thing.  
  
"You keep a hold of this man. He's the right one for you."  
  
Everyone knew that Relena was with Heero. Why would he say such a thing to us? Embarrassed I say, "I'm only here for moral support." God, how lame can I get?  
  
Relena laughed and said, "We're just friends Senator Johnson."  
  
Senator Johnson winked and replied with a simple, "If you say so."  
  
From my own dealings with the Senator while I was still in the Preventer's, he was a grouchy old bastard who needed to get his ass whupped. Right then, there was no finer politician in the world save for Relena. But I am biased.  
  
I stayed in a guest bedroom across the hall from Relena's room. She asked that I stay in there when she broke it off with Heero. Knowing that I was in the room across the hall would be enough for her to get through the ordeal. I smiled and told her that I'd be there when she needed me.  
  
That was a lie. I knew her house as though it were mine. I knew the secret passages in and out of the home as well as the ones in and out of her room. I made my move when I heard Relena's new butler, Smith, greet Heero.  
  
And now I stand in the shadows of her room watching her and Heero. I'm amazed that he can't detect my presence. Maybe its jetlag or he loosened up just enough not to sweep the room. Whatever the case I was grateful that I was undetected.  
  
"Hello Relena," Heero said to her. He didn't give her a kiss, a hug, or even a glance. He just set his duffle down and sat on the bed.  
  
"Hello Heero," was her response. The two were quiet for ten minutes. I could see the bedside clock and watched as the minutes ticked by ever so slowly.  
  
"We need to talk Heero."  
  
Her tone of voice made the assassin look up. It was her no-nonsense tone. So even the perfect one was startled by it. I had to give Relena a point in making the idiot fear something.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"I quit politics yesterday."  
  
Heero raised an eyebrow. "Planning on moving to Mars to oversee the terraforming?"  
  
Relena shook her head. "No I'm not moving."  
  
"Then why quit? It was your life."  
  
"I quit because it was my life. I'm only thirty-five and while some see that as young, I see that as old. Some of my best years have passed me by while trying to maintain peace. I need to start living for me."  
  
Heero remained quiet. I could tell he was trying to gauge her words. Don't over analyze Heero.  
  
"I want a family. I want to get married and live for them."  
  
"You know how I feel about that."  
  
Relena again nodded. "Yes I know Heero. As I said, I'm not moving." She looked him straight in the eyes and said,"You are."  
  
Heero blinked once, then twice.  
  
"I refuse to live my life according to your fears. I know you don't love me anymore Heero, if you ever did. And I no longer love you the way I used to. I haven't for a long time and I apologize for that."  
  
I could tell she practiced her speech. She wanted to get straight to the point and avoid tears and anger. But I knew that this was crushing her. I wanted to break from my hiding place and hug her and tell her that I could give her everything she desired. Then Heero spoke and my heart broke.  
  
"Who is he?"  
  
Relena's head shot up. At first she didn't respond but when Heero asked again she felt the need to respond. She felt guilty. "Who said there was another man?"  
  
"You once told me that the only way you would leave me was if you fell in love with another man. You said that no matter how bad our relationship got, you would only leave me if you knew you could find happiness with another man. So who is he?" Heero was remarkably calm. I don't think I ever understood the man.  
  
"It doesn't matter who he is. But yes I am in love with someone else and I want to explore the possibilities that have been presented."  
  
My heart sank. She had fallen for one of the others. I was forever the friend.  
  
Heero nodded. "I wish you the best. But if he dare hurt you in anyway, I will kill him. Comrade or not." So he knew that it was another G-pilot.  
  
Relena smiled. "Agreed." The scary thing about that was Relena was serious.  
  
Heero stood up and hugged her and impulsively gave her a last kiss. When they parted she asked, "You don't hate me do you?"  
  
Heero smiled for the first time in my presence, albeit secret presence. "I could never hate you. You showed me love and friendship when I didn't deserve it. I'll always love you. But what you could never understand was that love and happiness were never meant for me. At least not in the way most people see it."  
  
"I hope you do find your happiness Heero," Relena said softly.  
  
"Allow me to walk you down the aisle? I know Zechs is your brother but, I can't help but feel the honor is mine."  
  
"We'll see."  
  
I watch as the two hug each other in a tight embrace. Then Heero picks up his duffle and leaves. I don't know when I would see him next if ever.  
  
I return my gaze to the woman in the room. She doesn't look upset or worried or anything. She looks free. I am going to kill the pilot who took her away.  
  
"Thank you for supporting me," she said.  
  
My head jerked up.  
  
"I know you're there. I'm just surprised Heero didn't notice."  
  
I walked out of the shadows but didn't go near her. I couldn't. She would surely see my hurt and anger. Yes I was angry. I didn't understand why I was unworthy.  
  
"So, are you going to say anything?" she asks me. Concern shows on her beautiful face. I realize then that the beauty and warmth that had been missing for so long has begun to return.  
  
"You look so free," is all I can say.  
  
She laughed a good throaty laugh. I could tell that it came from deep within. Yes she was free.  
  
"If I'm free, it's because of you."  
  
I cock my head to the side. "How so?"  
  
She walks up to me and smiles. "You showed me what it means to be happy."  
  
I nod once. I don't know what to say really. So I say, "What's next?"  
  
She steps ever so slightly closer to me. "That depends on you."  
  
I raise an eyebrow. All of us pilots seem to do that every now and again regarding Relena. "How so?"  
  
Instead of answering me, she places her lips against mine. They're so warm and soft. I have wished for this moment for nearly twenty years. I loose myself in the moment and take her face in my hands. Our tongues begin to slide over one another and I know that I'll never rid myself of my love for her. And so I decided to tell her how I feel.  
  
"I love you Relena Peacecraft. I always have and I always will." I want to say that no matter what, no matter who she chooses, she'll always be mine in my mind and heart. But I can't say that. Something stops me. Her lips are still so close to mine.  
  
"Good because I love you too. I think I always have but didn't realize it until Heero went away."  
  
"What?" I didn't mean to ruin the moment but I wasn't expecting her to say that. I wasn't expecting her to fall in love with sweet little old me.  
  
She smiles again. "I love you Quatre Raberba Winner. Now and forever." She then slips her tongue back in my mouth and I lose myself in her.  
  
~End~ 


End file.
